ppl who think that saying “I love you” to someone a lot makes it lose it’s meaning are so boring literally what could make you think that? if someone tells you they love you like 3 times in an hour it means that 3 separate times they were sitting there and thinking about you and…
On paper, the concept of someone letting them know they love you often is a good one. It is absolutely wonderful to be loved, and it is also wonderful to know that you are loved and to communicate emotions clearly.
Speaking firsthand though, yes — it can be abusive, and used as a tool to exploit an individual for n-supply. In my case, both my mother and her husband are co-dependent narcissists (conarcs, they’re sometimes called). While most of my grief is specifically related to my mother, this one comes compliments of my stepfather.
You see, he was the eldest of three in your average aspirational American household of the 60s/70s. He was an All-American footballer, valedictorian, president of the church youth council, etc. Got the full ride to a great college with a car, paid for flat, the works.
While I am not sure whether or not he had a baseline mental illness, over the years he got involved in assorted illegal activities, starting with usage of drugs and expanding way past that into areas that I will not go into here. In the middle of that, he met my pregnant-with-me mother and promised to ‘take care of her’. Years after that, several children, and continued illegal activities saw him acquire HIV due to drug use, which eventually became full-blown AIDS. It was also somewhere in there that we figured he’d gotten super-delusional because of being terminally ill, but for all I know it could have predated that. He acquired HIV when I was nearly 5, and so he’s pretty much been sick as far back as I can remember (and that goes treble for my three younger siblings).
Anyways, if you’re still reading after that long setting of the scene, good on you, ‘cause I’m getting to the point now. He had always been verbally abusive. But if you called him on it, he’d tell you what a liar you were because he loves his family and would never do anything mean. He 500% will say I love you 20+ times a day because in part to his set of delusions, but also in part because he wants to hear it back. It was our job to reinforce his delusions and therefore devalue//invalidate the reality of our actual situation.
Were you ill? You were making it up and it didn’t matter, because had AIDS. But he loved you, so you were supposed to accept the denial of your reality.
House untidy? You’re all filthy animals who don’t deserve to live. But he loved you, so you were supposed to accept the abuse and sweep it under a rug.
Hope that sort of makes sense. If it doesn’t, that’s okay too. If any of this sounds really scary familiar, then I hope you will consider flipping through some of these links specifically relating to being the adult child of a narcissist (ACON):
I’ll add two things as footnotes here. The first is how I noticed the incessant attempting to use me as supply via the phrase ‘I love you’. My parents almost divorced when I was in my early teens due to him choosing to go into rehab, then blowing it off completely to start getting high again. I found this unforgivable, and I don’t think I actually ever did forgive him for it. I also decided from then on that I would never say ‘I love you’ back to him, even if I did. Obviously, he was dad, yanno? So I switched instead to 'You too', but because this required a conscious noticing of when he was saying it, I could finally see just how often he said it, and how he was using it.
You’ll also probably notice that I’m using the past tense. No, AIDS still hasn’t killed him, but I went low contact with him in the wake of the aforementioned, and no contact with both of my parents as of earlier this year. I cannot doubt that they both think that they love me, but they have both used the word and the concept as a tool to force me to give them money, childcare, compliance, silence, etc to suit themselves, and devalue my worth as an individual. This is abuse, full stop.
Now that I have that removed from my life, I am a much healthier and more functional person. I am able to be a productive member of my immediate family, and to support my husband and my children instead of hiding in a corner fearing my parent’s ‘love’//abuse.
as promised, a cogent dissertation on why someone saying “i love you” a lot is not always super great.
so if someone tells you “i love you” a whole lot, and it makes you incredibly uncomfortable? that’s okay to feel that way, and here’s a whole lot of reasons why.
holy fucking shit this exactly what happened to me
Celebrating 500 followers in the best way that I know how!
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ohhh how nice!
saphiel #77001 c:
TheHeroQueen ID# 56262!
gabberforth #83433 :>
Cacoethic and I took a predictable shine to Mortis’ teasing of his fandom and took the opportunity for another collab, which also marks a year from the first one we did! So this serves a handy progress check c:
Fal drew the human Batter in all his eye-face glory and inked them both, I drew Bad Batter, and it was my turn to color so I painted it all. Clickthrough for fullview and you’ll be able to see the eyes that inspired us in the first place haha
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every single person you know has something in their life and past that is probably worth collapsing to the ground in an uncontrollably sobbing heap over, so be nice to each other and tell good jokes
this is really important.